Pre-Birth Communication No.12


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Phoenix

I never really believed much of this before, but always thought it was possible, so I had an open mind.

My husband and I have always had problems. Whether financial, relationship wise, etc. It didn't surprise me finding out we had a problem getting pregnant as well.

During the end of 2005 we were ready to call the relationship quits. He was preparing to move on and I was preparing to let go. We never used protection during the last five years so it was the last thing on my mind during our last bit of time together.

My birthday is January 6. And I remember within that first week I had prayed. Standing in the kitchen and broken down in tears I just prayed. I haven't prayed for a long time before this and I just asked God to do his will. I felt the most weirdest feeling come over me. I felt the presence of my daughter. I can't explain why I knew her as her or how I knew. I just called her Phoenix (I exausted trying to have a baby with my husband before and he'd always liked the name Phoenix for a girl). It was strange. I didn't hear anything, just felt. I felt her passing a message that she would come shortly and that everything would turn out just fine. At the time I just chalked it up to my wild imagination and a need to feel connected to something out of this world that would some how make my relationship okay again.

During the remaining month everything got worse. Counselling didn't help, and whatever little we had left seemed to have died. I felt myself letting go which is not easy.

I'm the kind of person that tests to see if I'm pregnant every month at that time. I gave up on that in January. I never really thought about it and started to be careless in what I did. I honestly believed that my husband and I would never have a baby together and that it really was over. On Feb 14, 2006, I took one last test just to make sure as it had been about a month since we last were together. I wanted to make a clean break and have no unexpected work to do later when we did separate forever. I remember taking the test and expecting a negative result.

At the time I thought it was God's cruel joke. It would happen at the worst possible time and in the most weirdest way. But there it was, the positive result on the test. Needless to say I had a girl on Oct 25 2006. We did name her Phoenix.

Today she is about 2 1/2 months old and sometimes when I look into her eyes I get creeped out and remember what happened. I don't know why she would have chosen me as her mother, but she did and now I have to be the best I can.

Another point to make is that ever since the day we found out we were pregnant, my husband asked for his job back and we worked on us. Today we're doing good. Phoenix really was the rebirth of our relationship. I'm also hoping that the next baby will be like this too. I'd love to know them before they're born.

Jessica

January 13, 2007

 

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